I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Money is the root of all wealth
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.