If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping