It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
This is my bus stop.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill