When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
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*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.