If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.