When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
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My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
he was correct
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?