HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
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Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.