Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
You Might Also Like
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Europe. Made in Germany.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.