[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
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couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.