Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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Facebook marketplace is a different world
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!