What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
You Might Also Like
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.