[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Life hack
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Basically.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]