“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
hackers play passwordle
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no