Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
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This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back