Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
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Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
sir, my pâté if you please
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no