Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
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I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.