I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?