[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
#parenting
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious