I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.