PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
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I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
bears
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money