My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.