GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Seems kinda suspicious
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I think I’ll stand
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.