Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
went fishing caught a bass
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee