Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
i choose….tongue
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
so weird how every mom was born today
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible