I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
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Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
If you鈥檙e gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
God: let鈥檚 make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that鈥檚 pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they鈥檙e leaky as hell
A: there it is
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Nope, that鈥檚 a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 馃幎Like a good neighbor, state farm is there馃幎
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I鈥m鈥鈥egan”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.