My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
You Might Also Like
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
me, too, girl. me, too.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*