[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?