Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.