In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.