If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Growing up was a huge mistake
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
When can I start eating bats again.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.