Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
i made a craigslist ad !
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.