[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.