worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed