I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad