me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.