I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
You Might Also Like
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.