“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Something Saturday.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice