Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
when someone compliments me
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Camping tip: No.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this