Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles