what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.