I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Pandas 🐼🖤
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses