Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.