This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.