10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
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[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
road rage
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?