If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
This is a bad sign
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.