Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
checking out some reviews of my local library
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Happy Halloween 🎃
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.