Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger