Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
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IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.