Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
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Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1