Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.